Wednesday, August 12, 2009

woes

Today was our first day back to work. For about a week now everyone has been asking me if I was ready, and I was sticking to the positive. I was believing that words and attitudes have power and that half the battle of being ready was saying that I was ready. Besides, I've been off for 4 months now, it's time to go back.

When I got to school, though, I felt a little bombarded with the tasks of a new school year. The rearranging, the planning, the deadlines, the test scores. And probably what overwhelmed me the most was leaving Catherine at daycare for the first time. I started out okay because I had psyched myself up for it. I didn't even cry when I dropped her off. I did okay through half a day of meetings, and then I went to visit at lunch. By the time I was back at work, looking at last year's TAKS scores on an overhead projector, I was shaky. By the time I picked her up, I had tears in my eyes just to be back with her again.
It was like someone tore my heart out and gave it to someone else to watch over. I guess maybe you can function without it for a little while but it eventually gets to you. For me, it wasn't an explosive, tearful moment; it was a slow ache.

Ok, I'll stop with the weepiness now. It's just that people warn you about these hard things about being a parent, and there's just no way to prepare for it or know what is going to be like until you do it. The silly thing was that I knew she would be ok. The babysitter is a sweetheart, and I can tell that she loves all of the kids that stay with her. She's been super supportive of me, and even called me to make sure I was doing alright. I guess I'm just jealous of her. She gets to spend all day with my awesome baby. I think I may have to have a talk with her... just to let her know that she's the one who should be paying me to hang out with Cate.

3 comments:

bj said...

O, boy...I have been thinking of this ever since Cate was born..I knew how hard it was going to be but no one can tell you...you have to experience it yourself. It is such a hard thing to do and I am thinking of all of you.
It WILL get better, I promise.
Love!

Diana Latham said...

Thanks for sharing this hard day with your blog friends. I have been wondering about this day for you. I would say that everyone handles it different. I had no idea what it would be like for you. You are in my thoughts. Sat with another mom who is struggling too....her sadness is that she has to work for 11 hours....she would appreciate just working normal hours. Hoping God's best for all of you.
I love how you put it that the sitter should pay you to get to be with Cate. YES!!!

Sandi said...

So glad you blogged that Jessica. You both were in my thoughts and I offered a little prayer for you and Cate.I hope as the days get more busy it will be easier for you. I know Cate's smile melted the sitter and she did great. What a lucky woman to have that task!